I woke up this morning after a night of untranslatable dreaming to find myself with a new idea. Many big decisions I've made have become clear in a dream, and ideas even originate there. I can seldom remember what I actually dreamed about, but I wake up with a new resolve; knowing what I need to do. The first time it happened was when I changed my major from English to Early Childhood Education after two years of English courses. Crazy? Maybe. I worked harder than I ever have to graduate in a reasonable time and learned a lot along the way. A few dreams and ideas later, I'm on to this one.
An extrovert by nature, I rarely do anything alone. When I find myself alone, I mope around and am rendered useless by the feelings of loneliness I have. I honestly get my energy from other people. Other people motivate me to do the smallest things. As I felt sorry for myself Friday night, I ate too much Chinese food and watched The Back-Up Plan as well as six episodes of The Office. I made myself sick by doing absolutely nothing. The next day I did the same thing, only this time I tortured myself with hours of PBS. I watched teenage moms, oppressed women in Israel, an annoying lady painting roses, and of course, a little "This Old House." When I couldn't take it anymore I stood up to stretch and took a look at my laptop. I had posted a video to a friend's facebook wall last week about being alone.
I found the video cute at first, but when I watched it again, I noticed something.
The poet writer, Tanya Davis, says "society is afraid of alone..."
I paused the video right there and wondered why. Why is society afraid of alone? Why am I afraid of alone?
I closed my laptop and decided to go swimming (logically). By myself. In the neighborhood pool. I only stayed 20 minutes because the water was freezing and some other people came. I didn't want them to think I was weird for being alone.
As I went through the rest of my day, the thought of being alone, and being okay, ran through my head almost constantly. I washed my car. I wasted time on facebook for hours. I eventually drove 40 miles to see a friendly face or three. As I fell asleep on my friend's couch last night (because I was too afraid to drive home at night alone), I was still thinking of my own alone-liness.
When I woke up, either my dreams or my restless sleep had given me new direction.
I will be dating myself.
This blog isn't about the sad, depressing, single life. Yes, I'm single and have recently moved to a new city but this blog is about t this extrovert breeching into new territory and actually enjoying time alone. I am going to take myself out. For dinner. For walks. For movies. For dancing. For a good time. I want to enjoy life...just like Billy Idol intended -- "dancing with myself..."
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